The Beginning of the End, Ordination, and Crying in Public (again)

Well hello, friends!  So, I cried in public again! 

I'm writing this from the corner of a quiet little coffee shop in Delafield.  TJ saw my gray hair the other day and told me to take some time for myself.  He's the best.  Not only did I desperately need some self-care after a long couple of weeks, I also needed to reflect and prepare myself.  TJ will be ordained as a deacon at the cathedral in Milwaukee tomorrow night, and I wanted to spend some time in prayer this morning in anticipation of the ordination.  I settled in, read, reflected, prayed, and then decided to read through the ordination liturgy in the BCP just for fun and promptly started crying in the coffee shop.  That service is going to be so incredibly beautiful.  And then I wrote the following.  Hope you enjoy!

·         TJ has just one semester of classes left, so the end is in sight!  He has signed a contract to become the priest-in-charge of St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in Beloit, WI once he is ordained as a priest, which will be sometime next summer (Lord willing).  But first, he will be ordained to the diaconate tomorrow (!!!), and taking the GOE exams in January.  After that he will hopefully spend his last semester at Nashotah House getting some practice as a deacon in the chapel, as well as continuing to familiarize himself with St. Paul’s.  Graduation will be in late May, with a move to Beloit happening soon after!

We took a quick trip to Los Angeles in October to celebrate my sweet friend Eve's wedding. 

 

Isn't he cute?!

·         We blinked, and Jason turned three.  Oh my goodness, he is developing into such a unique little person, and it’s so fun to watch!  He talks constantly (CONSTANTLY), and is very proud of himself for doing lots of “big boy stuff” lately, like dressing himself and insisting on helping us with everything (which greatly slows us down, but makes us so proud).  While it’s pretty exhausting answering his 11,000 questions every day, we absolutely love parenting our sweet little boy, and love watching him grow.

Also -- for those Ralphie fans reading the blog, he is doing great.  He was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid earlier this year, which is very manageable with medication.  He's still a sweet and sometimes cranky old man, and obviously enjoys when Jason reads prayers over him. 

Sheer excitement on the beach in CA.

We celebrated Jason's third birthday while were in MO for T'hanksgiving with our families.

Yay -- no tears this year while visiting Santa!

For those of you who don't believe that Jason has an attitude -- here's proof.  "Stop taking pictures, Mommy.  Stop it stop it stop it."

So – yes – there is a TON of stuff going on here.  It’s the end of a long and sometimes hard chapter and the beginning of a whole new journey.  An exciting journey, of course, but one that suddenly has me feeling a little emotional.

Recently, I was speaking with someone who has been walking this path alongside me and guiding me spiritually.  She is full of wisdom, and I’ve learned so much from her.  We were discussing TJ’s ordination when she said something that I guess I should’ve known but hadn’t thought about.  Or maybe I was avoiding thinking about it.  She told me that TJ would change once he was ordained.

Um… no.  Thanks.

I’m married to the guy.  I kind of like him the way he is, you know?  I don’t want him to change!  As soon as she said that, my throat started closing up and my eyes watered.  I pretended like I knew what she was talking about, then I left our meeting feeling a little sad.

I spent some time reflecting on what she said.  TJ and I have been talking lately about how much we’ve changed since this whole process started.  As I was trying to figure out why I was so rattled when she said he would change once he was ordained, I thought a lot about everything that had happened in the last few years.  I realized we had pretty much done everything together on this spiritual journey of sorts.  We made the decision to uproot our lives together.  We had both sought out advisors and visited different churches to learn about Anglicanism.  We both live in community at Nashotah.  While I don’t go to class with him or do all the other things necessary for ordination, I have helped him prepare for everything and have listened to him talk about classes so much that I kind of felt like I was there with him! 

I felt uneasy because ordination wasn’t something we could do together.  Once everything was said and done, he would be different, and I would be the same.  He would be bearing a weight I couldn’t carry with him, and I was suddenly unsure about how I would deal with that.

Obviously, TJ has already spent a large chunk of his life serving in the ministry, and I supported him then.  This feels different because he has been going through a rigorous process to get here.  Not only in terms of difficult coursework and a lengthy list of ordination to-do’s, but he has been thoroughly spiritually examined over and over and over.  He has dug deep into his being and laid himself bare before diocesan committees, his classmates, and complete strangers.  He has truly gone through a transformation, and in the process I have been transformed, too.  This time around, we are not the same as we were the last time we served in the ministry.  The holy orders he is committing himself to are not the same as they were the last time.  This whole thing is different, and he will be different, and how I minister to him will be different.

I have been processing all of this the past few days, and the emotions are still there.  But the overwhelming emotion is joy.  I have no idea how this next chapter in our lives is going to look.  But, oh man, I’m so excited to find out.  This whole process of growing and uncovering new things has made us more authentic than I ever thought possible, so won’t the next chapter be just as exciting?  Ordination will most definitely change TJ, but he will still be TJ.  He will still be the guy I’ve been with for the past 16 years (I just did the math, that’s almost HALF our lives).  He will still listen to heavy metal and drink whiskey and say he’s buying Legos for Jason when we both know he’s really just buying them for himself.  He will still take me on dates and make me feel valued every day of my life.  He will still hug, kiss, and fist-bump Jason every night before bed.  He will still be TJ, and I won’t be left behind at ordination.  I will be alongside him, and we will both be figuring this out together.

Because, if we aren’t growing and changing and exploring and daring to be different, what’s the point of it all?

Thanks for following us on this road, friends.  Your support and love is so appreciated.  We pray you all have a blessed holiday season!