Cheers to Going Crazy

My birthday was yesterday.  On Saturday night, TJ planned a lovely evening for us to celebrate.  We got dressed up, left our sweet baby with a sitter, and headed for Milwaukee.  Somewhere along the way, I casually mentioned how things have so drastically changed in the year since my last birthday.  I think the realization came to both of us at the same time, but TJ was the first to say it – “It’s been one year since we made the decision to come to Nashotah.”

Sunset over downtown Milwaukee

We laughed about it, but as we started reminiscing, we began discussing how life-changing that decision was, and how weighty the last year had been.  Completely uprooting your family and moving to a different state requires a lot of decisions, one right after the other.  When you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.  But after a year, I think we’ve gained a little perspective.

I was horribly distracted on my last birthday, for a lot of reasons.  Aside from a few stressors, I simply had an overwhelming sense of uneasiness.  I chalked it up to being a new mom and trying to figure out my new role.  We celebrated my birthday in Hermann, walking around the charming town and enjoying a few wineries.  Jason was just four months old, and TJ had the whole day off.  For a short period of time, I didn’t feel the discontent that had been creeping up on me. 

The very next day, TJ came home from a particularly hard day, and we were in the middle of a hard conversation when I said “I think it’s time for us to go to Nashotah House.”  We had already thought about becoming Anglican, and we had even visited the campus a few years prior.  However, we didn’t feel that God had called us away from St. Louis just yet.  That day, in the middle of our living room, in the middle of our conversation, God told us it was time to go.  I want to say that it was beautiful and poetic, and that we literally heard the gentle yet powerful voice of God say “go, my beloved.”  But, honestly, it really just felt like we had lost our minds.

We didn’t tell many people until TJ had applied and been accepted into the school.  After that, there were many occasions when I was sharing our news with family, friends, and co-workers and using the phrase “WE ARE CRAZY.”  Because, really, we were.  I like to think that we are adventurous people, but this adventure was beyond anything I thought we would do at this point in our lives.  Not only were we leaving behind jobs, family, friends, a house, and everything we knew in the only state we had ever called home, but we were taking an entirely different (and still unfamiliar) path in our faith.  TJ had been reading books by Anglican authors and learning about the church for a long time, but he didn’t know all the details of the church and had a lot of questions.  I, on the other hand, had only recently learned how to correctly pronounce “Episcopalian”.  We felt completely crazy, and we didn’t have all the answers.  We only knew that we were supposed to be doing this.

I felt so stupid explaining our situation to other people.  Of course, everyone had a lot of questions.  Why Anglicanism?  What exactly is the Anglican church?  How are you going to afford this?  Where are you going to go after seminary?  I was answering a lot of these questions with “I don’t know.”  This answer was often met with a sympathetic look, a pat on the shoulder, and the phrase “I’m sure it will work out”.  It’s hard to tell someone that you really don’t know what you’re doing, but that God is calling you to do it. 

We only had about three months from the time TJ was accepted into the MDiv program to the time we had to move.  That brief period of time was just a long series of big decisions that had to be made rather quickly – how are we going to sell our home?  Can I find a job in Wisconsin?  How can we adjust our lifestyle to afford living on one part-time salary?  Which of our worldly possessions are we going to sell?  I felt like I was blindly making decisions, like I was just putting one foot in front of the other on the way to Nashotah.  Once we were physically in Wisconsin, the big decisions kept coming.  At this point, it felt like we were just making them on the fly.  We needed just a few hours of childcare throughout the week – who were we going to trust to watch our child in a land where we knew absolutely no one?  Our house was still on the market – would it ever sell?  Are we really going to be able to make it on my salary alone?  Oh yeah, we aren’t exactly Anglican yet – how do we become Anglican?  But wait, maybe the Episcopal church is a better fit – should we become Episcopalian?  We need to choose a diocese and a home parish, TJ needs to get on track for ordination, we need to choose new health insurance, we need to choose a new pediatrician…

I don’t like the phrase “God will never give you more than you can handle” for a variety of reasons, but I especially hate that phrase now.  I don’t remember the exact circumstance or conversation, but TJ and I recently began adopting a new phrase around our house that we often repeat – “God will absolutely give you more than you can handle, because it is in those moments that you truly rely on Him.”

Through much prayer and contemplation, I began seeing how we actually were fully relying on God at this point.  Our lives were changing so much and we were making so many huge decisions, but it felt so strangely good.  In a somewhat chaotic way, I was learning how to fully trust in Him (it took me long enough, right?).  All the blind decision making that we were doing?  That was us actually moving aside and allowing God to work.  Or rather – it was God gently forcing us to move aside so He could work.  That was Him coming in and saying “I’ll take care of this.  And this.  And this.  And this…”

We still don’t know all the answers.  We still don’t know where the future will take us.  But if God so perfectly ordered our steps through “the time we went crazy”, how can we ever doubt that He will continue to guide us?

Sunrise at Nashotah

We toasted my birthday last Saturday.  We also toasted the one year anniversary of us going crazy.  May God continue to make us crazy.

***For those of you looking for a more personal update on our lives, here it is***

*TJ has made some strides on his path to ordination, but I'll let him tell you about that in another post.  He continues to enjoy classes and has read an insane amount of books this semester.  

*I am deep in competition season with Studio One, and loving it!

*Jason is 16 months old, and continues to be the sweetest baby ever.  He knows a ton of words and loves cars ("go-go's").  He walks everywhere when holding our hands, but won't let go and do it on his own.  We think he is just too laid back to worry about walking right now:)

*Spring is slowly showing up in Wisconsin, after a pretty mild winter with not much snow.  We live in a great area for hiking, so we are looking forward to that!  We are also making summer plans, so let us know if you want to come visit!